What Have You Done For YOU Lately?

Photo by CreateHerStock

At the beginning of the year I made a pact with myself to be more intentional about practicing self-care. It's an absolute necessity not only for my physical well-being, but more importantly for my mental health.

There is the obvious narrative of those who work too hard - women, millennials, under employed, over worked, underpaid, never a moment to catch a breath etcetera etcetera. The physical tolls of hard labor, long work hours, little to no sleep, poor diet, and sometimes completely forgetting to eat. We are clear on the physical tolls the desire to survive takes on the body. And while we are becoming more open about the invisible strain that is often par for the course, I believe we still have a long way to go with how we receive and react to openness about mental health issues and struggles in certain communities.

This is not a finger pointing post, and I intend to go into more detail about my own personal experiences at some other time. My intent for this post (and others to follow) in #theselfcareseries is to share small rituals or practices that help restore me either physically, mentally, spiritually or some other -ly. Lol.

The hardest bit is being consistent with the practice of self care. I certainly haven't been consistent, but I can give myself credit for being more conscious of when the need to take a moment to reset, restore, remove myself, or recuperate was necessary.

For some of us it's about too little time or too little energy after the exhaustion of a work week. But for all of us it's ultimately about seeing ourselves as worth the time and effort. It's about valuing ourselves enough to say, "I need to pour into me so that I can give my best self to my life, my work, my family... myself."

What I hope resonates over time with this series is that acts of self care are a way to practice and build self-love. And self-love isn't always about some grand expensive gesture like a spa day or vacation ( ballin' on a budget, anyone?) Sometimes it's as simple as reading your favorite book again for the umpteenth time, locking the bathroom door so your toddlers can't interrupt your few precious minutes of solitude while taking a shit, or netflix and chillin' by yoself in yo robe with your favorite beverage.

As I'm laying here typing this I'm struggling with feeling like I haven't been treating myself well. It's the end of the year and my diet has been shit the past few weeks, I've been battling with insomnia for over a month, there's a tangled and matted afro at the base of my locs, my anxiety is too damn high, and I really need to do some laundry. 

So today, I'm going to rededicate my Saturday to grooming: I'm tackling my hair and my really involved skin care regimen (yes, even more involved than the one I just posted). 

At this point I want to offer to you, whoever needs the reminder, that you don't need to feel guilty for feeling better when you think you look better. Society sends conflicting messages, asking us to "always look our best" in order for people to take us seriously, or respect us, while calling us vain, shallow or self involved for dedicating time to our looks, aesthetic, or physical presentation, and deriving any pleasure or sense of self from the aforementioned. You can't win, so I say fuck em and do what nourishes your wholeness.

It's currently 5:45 am as I type. I've been up since 3:20 am because insomnia. So I'm going to go ahead and carpe my diem by tackling this mess on my head, and in my head. Join me. 

What are you going to do today to take care of yourself? What have you done for *you* lately?

How Hurt & Pain Taught Me To Trust Myself

How Hurt & Pain Taught Me To Trust Myself

We must remind ourselves that we know ourselves best, and as such we are fully capable of making the best decisions for ourselves. When the Universe supports us, and everything falls into place for us to move forward in our best interests, while it is normal to experience doubt, it certainly isn't necessary to act on or entertain that doubt.

I'm someone who truly believes that sometimes saying yes to something/or someone means you're  saying No to yourself. In this vein, I'm also of the belief that sometimes giving the benefit of the doubt is of no benefit to the giver.

Someone is probably reading this and thinking how selfish this sounds. 

What would the world be without second chances? Forgiveness? People who give the benefit of the doubt?

Your point may be valid. 

As a woman though, I'm very conscious of the immense pressure I once felt to put others' needs before mine, and not offend or upset others. This is a pressure that I continue to experience, though it shrinks the older and wiser I become. My point here is that these social graces we extend sometimes are not truly of our own choosing, but due to culture, social norms, gender roles, familial obligations, and the pressure we feel to make certain decisions because of these things.

When I speak about reconsidering "the benefit of the doubt", I'm not talking about people or situations that deserve a second chance.

I'm talking about instances where we expend a significant amount of time, energy and effort trying to make a decision about a situation or relationship that is just plain bad for us, or no longer good for us. It is precisely because we've cared, loved, and invested time, that we do not make this decision easily nor lightly. It is because of this care and love, and the joy and happiness that we may have once experienced, that when it's no longer good, it's really bad. 

And sometimes it's just bad because it is. 

Sometimes people change - their values, wants and needs change. Sometimes the way people express these things cause real harm  - both visible and invisible. Some of us stick around hoping that time will resolve or dissolve the differences. All the while incurring the cost of this empty hope.

What ends up happening is that in the "Benefit of the Doubt" equation, the giver is left to manage the doubt, which is inevitably to the benefit of the person or situation that we'd removed ourselves from once before. Managing the doubt may then leave us grappling with questions of self-worth, bruises to our self-esteem, and may even go as far as to affect our mental, physical or spiritual health.

Sometimes we do get away. We get away but don't necessarily stop loving or caring or imagining what a life would be like with this person, or reminiscing about how great it felt when we had lovely experiences.

And though we move on, sometimes we forget what that particular hurt felt like. What it did to us. How  our flame was almost extinguished. How we almost lost ourselves for good. How unrecognizable we were when we finally looked in the mirror to see what that time had done to us.

The point of all this is to remind you that that the pain has a purpose.

None of this is easy. We make mistakes, relapse, and return to the familiar. When we do, each time the pain gets worse, and the lesson we're supposed to learn gets tougher as it nudges us to trust the decision we made the first time.

If for no other reason, let the pain remind you that you did the right thing. It is ultimately a test of whether you trust yourself enough to stand by your decision. You knew what was best for you then, and you do now.

Can you relate? Let me know in the comments!

Peace & Love,
Nik